One of the most frustrating things, for me, is feeling like I can't do things independently. This is why coming to India always drives me a little crazy. In a country where my accent gives me away immediately as a "foreigner," where I look like I should fit in but I definitely don't, where my lack of fluency in the local language morphs me from an articulate young woman to a stuttering, shy child, I am constantly frustrated. I want to be able to shop, visit the tailor, go buy a snack, or go visit my grandfather independently, but I can't, because it's dangerous for a young woman to be alone in this country, especially a woman who barely knows the local languages.
Yet I hate having to constantly depend upon my relatives for help with everything from shopping to tailoring to traveling and more. I hate that I depended upon my great-aunt to get me great deals on clothes, yet she didn't tell me when I was paying too much for saris yesterday. I hate that my aunt and uncle and cousins in Chennai act like I'm inconveniencing them terribly when I ask for someone to travel with me to Tanjore to visit my aged grandfather, who was too ill to travel to Chennai himself. I hate that I rarely have privacy in this country. I hate that when you depend upon others for a while and come to feel that they're not only mentors but friends, they can change their behavior towards you in a flash, leaving you blindsided and wondering what you did that was so wrong.
When I came to the airport last week to check in for my flight, I was surprised to see a family friend around my age in the same line. I didn't realize she was going to India on the same day as I was and I was even more surprised when I realized it looked like she was in line alone. Then I saw her mother in line next to her. When I said hi to her after a while, I mentioned that at first I thought she was going by herself, and she said, "Oh my God, do you think I'd go to India alone?" Well, I reminded her, I was doing just that. Because the truth is, I want to be able to do things by myself, especially things that scare me. Things like going to India. Because at least right now, at the end of the day, the only person who's always with me is, well, me. Better learn how to depend on myself as much as possible.
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