Joke

Descartes walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Will you have a margarita?" Descartes says, "I think not." Poof! He vanishes.

The Truth Is, I'm a Man.

A few days ago in one of our Behavioral Science lectures (psychosexual development, ie how people grow to "act" like their gender), the lecturer spoke briefly about a study that explored the difference between how men and women attempt to understand themselves and others...essentially, how do the two sexes approach relationships? The study concluded that while men feel that by understanding themselves, they can understand others, women go about things in the opposite way: by understanding others, they can understand themselves.

Funny thing is, I take the male approach much, much more than I do the female one. I am a personal essayist. I take a lot of pride in, and derive a lot of joy from, the fact that people think I know myself well. I am confident in who I am; I love holding forth on my beliefs and past and the way that I see things. I guess that sounds a little narcissistic..but all that is to say that I really do place a lot of value on understanding myself, and I think that by knowing myself well, I can manage my world, and my life, more effectively. Sadly, I've found that life doesn't quite work that way. I used to think that as long as I could regulate myself and my actions, I could deliberately and carefully guard and nurture my relationships with the people I care about. If I can control myself, why wouldn't the things that I call mine--that is, my relationships--also be in my control, right? But alas, I may have to modify my approach.

Other girls I've talked to have said that they really are the opposite way: they love to understand what makes other people tick, to people-watch and hear about others' backgrounds. I suppose I enjoy that, too. I like a good personal essay as much as the next girl. But I suspect that I don't actively unravel and engage the things I learn about others, don't come to understand how others' pasts and beliefs and experiences will color and inform their actions, their prejudices, their weaknesses. It's an interesting dilemma.

In short, though, turns out I'm kind of man-like. Maybe I should try being more of a woman and see if that wouldn't make things better. I hate to break it to myself, but I suspect it's never quite that simple...

At a Loss

I'm a pretty smart girl, but there are some things I will just never, ever understand. And I'll never figure them out. And I've done some truly stupid things. And sometimes I wonder how clever I really am.

What If

A lot of subjunctives have been on my mind lately, though I hadn't really put my finger on "what if" as the theme of my current or recent thoughts until today.

A few days ago, there was a suicide bombing in the International Arrivals terminal of the main airport in Moscow. At approximately this same time last year (February 7, to be exact), I was in that very same terminal. What if the attack had happened a little over a year ago?

I suppose we're all here for some reason, and that we're all only a minute, or a decision, or a chance away from our lives taking a wholly different path than we had originally expected. Makes you think though--what if you had taken a wrong turn somewhere, and weren't here anymore? I believe we'll only take that wrong turn when we're fated to do so. What do you think?

Fun fact of the day: warfarin, an anti-clotting drug, gets its name from Wisconsin Alumni Resource (or some other R- word) Fund, because it was developed at the University of Wisconsin. So every time a patient gets prescribed warfarin, the University of Wisconsin cashes in a little [or maybe a lot? I'm not sure]. What if warfarin had been developed at Baylor College of Medicine? It would be called barfarin. hahahaha.

Resolutions for 2011

I hadn't really thought of any resolutions for this year, and I wasn't planning to do any, but a few ideas came to me earlier today, so I thought it would be good to write them down:

1. Focus on my own faults and overlook others. The only things I can change are my own bad qualities, so why waste time pointing out others'?

2. See God in every person and act accordingly. Each person holds God within him- or herself, and I need to remember that constantly.

3. Write in my journal at least once a week.

4. Work out at least once a week.

5. Be less quick to anger and indignation and be more patient, loving, and tolerant. Give others, and the world, the benefit of the doubt.

6. Be more decisive.

7. Recite one of the many slokas I know once a week. It's not that hard. Do it.

8. Be more productive.

9. Read this every day to remind myself of my goals.

Here's to a year worth remembering, complete with [at least] two weddings (one for my sister, another for one of my oldest friends and college roommate), the end of my basic sciences curriculum in medical school, and my last real summer break.