The Truth Is, I'm a Man.

A few days ago in one of our Behavioral Science lectures (psychosexual development, ie how people grow to "act" like their gender), the lecturer spoke briefly about a study that explored the difference between how men and women attempt to understand themselves and others...essentially, how do the two sexes approach relationships? The study concluded that while men feel that by understanding themselves, they can understand others, women go about things in the opposite way: by understanding others, they can understand themselves.

Funny thing is, I take the male approach much, much more than I do the female one. I am a personal essayist. I take a lot of pride in, and derive a lot of joy from, the fact that people think I know myself well. I am confident in who I am; I love holding forth on my beliefs and past and the way that I see things. I guess that sounds a little narcissistic..but all that is to say that I really do place a lot of value on understanding myself, and I think that by knowing myself well, I can manage my world, and my life, more effectively. Sadly, I've found that life doesn't quite work that way. I used to think that as long as I could regulate myself and my actions, I could deliberately and carefully guard and nurture my relationships with the people I care about. If I can control myself, why wouldn't the things that I call mine--that is, my relationships--also be in my control, right? But alas, I may have to modify my approach.

Other girls I've talked to have said that they really are the opposite way: they love to understand what makes other people tick, to people-watch and hear about others' backgrounds. I suppose I enjoy that, too. I like a good personal essay as much as the next girl. But I suspect that I don't actively unravel and engage the things I learn about others, don't come to understand how others' pasts and beliefs and experiences will color and inform their actions, their prejudices, their weaknesses. It's an interesting dilemma.

In short, though, turns out I'm kind of man-like. Maybe I should try being more of a woman and see if that wouldn't make things better. I hate to break it to myself, but I suspect it's never quite that simple...